Handling Criticism

We've all been there. A manager offers feedback on a project, a friend makes an offhand comment, or you receive a less-than-glowing review, and suddenly your mind is racing. What starts as a single piece of criticism can quickly snowball into a full-blown spiral of negative thoughts. "I'm terrible at my job." "Everyone thinks I'm incompetent." "I'll never get this right."

Criticism, even when constructive, can trigger our deepest insecurities and beliefs and send us into a negative mental spiral that feels impossible to escape. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers practical, evidence-based tools to help you handle criticism without losing yourself in the spiral.

Understanding Why Criticism Hits So Hard

Criticism can feel completely devastating. Our brains are wired to pay attention to negative feedback as a survival mechanism. In our evolutionary past, being rejected by the group could literally threaten our survival. Today, that same wiring can make a critical email feel like a catastrophe.

Additionally, many of us carry cognitive distortions, these are unhelpful thinking patterns that automatically interpret criticism through a negative lens. These distortions amplify the emotional impact of feedback and add fuel to the spiral.

CBT Techniques for Managing Criticism

1. Identify Your Automatic Thoughts

The first step in stopping the spiral is noticing it's happening. When you receive criticism, pause and ask yourself: "What thoughts are running through my mind right now?" Write them down if possible.

You might notice thoughts like:

• "This proves I'm not good enough"
• "They must think I'm incompetent"
• "I always mess things up"

Simply naming these automatic thoughts creates distance between you and them. You're not your thoughts, you're the observer of your thoughts.

2. Recognise Common Cognitive Distortions

CBT identifies several thinking patterns that distort our perception of criticism. You might recognise some of these in yourself:

All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing criticism as proof you're a complete failure rather than recognising it's about one specific area or activity.

Overgeneralisation: Taking one piece of criticism and applying it broadly. "My boss didn't like this report" becomes "I'm bad at my job."

Mind Reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking without evidence. "She thinks I'm incompetent" when they haven't said that.

Catastrophising: Jumping to worst-case scenarios. "This criticism means I'll definitely lose my job."

Personalisation: Taking all criticism as a reflection of your worth as a person rather than feedback on a specific behavior or output.

3. Challenge and Reframe Your Thoughts

Once you've identified your automatic thoughts and distortions, it's time to examine them critically. Ask yourself:

• What evidence do I have that this thought is true?
• What evidence contradicts this thought?
• Is there another way to interpret this situation?
• What would I tell a friend in this situation?
• Is this criticism about me as a person or about a specific behavior or outcome?

For example, if your thought is "I'm terrible at my job," you might challenge it with: "This criticism is about one presentation, not my overall performance. My last three projects received positive feedback. My annual review was strong. This is about improving one skill, not proof of incompetence."

4. Separate Facts from Interpretations

A powerful CBT technique is distinguishing between objective facts and your interpretations.

Fact: "My colleague said the report needed more data to support the conclusions."

Interpretation: "My colleague thinks I'm lazy and incompetent."

When you strip away interpretations, criticism becomes less personal and more actionable. Focus on the factual feedback and let go of the stories your mind adds.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

CBT increasingly incorporates self-compassion as a counterweight to harsh self-criticism. When you receive criticism, try speaking to yourself the way you'd speak to someone you care about. Replace "I'm so stupid for missing that" with "I'm human, and everyone makes mistakes. This is an opportunity to learn."

Building Your Criticism Response Plan

Having a structured plan helps prevent spiraling before it starts. Consider creating your own version of this framework:

Immediate Response (first few minutes):

• Take three deep breaths to activate your calming response
• Thank the person for the feedback (buying yourself time to process)
• Resist the urge to defend or explain immediately

Processing Phase (within 24 hours):

• Write down the criticism objectively
• Notice your automatic thoughts without judgment
• Identify any cognitive distortions at play
• Challenge unhelpful thoughts with evidence
• Reframe the criticism constructively

Action Phase:

• Determine what, if anything, you want to change based on the feedback
• Create a specific plan for improvement if needed
• Let go of criticism that isn't constructive or relevant

When to Seek Additional Support

While CBT techniques are incredibly helpful, sometimes criticism triggers deeper wounds that benefit from professional support. Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

• Criticism consistently sends you into depressive episodes or severe anxiety
• You find yourself unable to challenge negative thoughts even with practice
• Past trauma is being activated by criticism
• The spiral is affecting your work, relationships, or daily functioning

If you would like a 15 minute free consultation to chat about how I can help you understand your criticism spiral and response plan you can book here