Assertiveness and Low Self Esteem
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated that you didn’t speak up, or guilty that you came on too strong, you’re not alone. Finding the balance between being assertive and being aggressive is tricky, especially if you struggle with low self-esteem.
You might believe that setting boundaries makes you selfish, or that standing up for yourself will come across as rude.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offers practical tools to help you express yourself clearly and confidently without fear that you’ll come across as aggressive.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct, honest, and respectful way. It sits in the middle of the communication spectrum, not passive (where you don't speak up), and not aggressive (where you disregard others’ rights or feelings). It's about valuing your needs and the needs of others equally.
From a CBT perspective, how you interpret social situations and what you believe about yourself impacts how assertive you feel you can be. If you believe you’re “not allowed” to have needs or fear being disliked for speaking up, you're more likely to stay quiet or overcompensate by becoming defensive.
Why Low Self-Esteem Makes Assertiveness Difficult
When your self-esteem is low, your thoughts might include:
- “I don’t want to be a burden.”
- “If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish.”
- “I don’t have the right to ask for what I want.”
These thoughts, which will be automatic in your mind, reinforce the idea that your needs are less important than others’. They often go unchallenged and can lead to patterns of avoidance, people-pleasing, or emotional outbursts after bottling things up too long.
How to Be Assertive
These 5 strategies are designed to help you build assertiveness gently and effectively:
- Challenge Your Thinking Errors
Start by identifying unhelpful thoughts that keep you stuck in passivity. Look for common thinking errors like:
- Mind reading: “They’ll hate me if I speak up.”
- Catastrophising: “If I say something, everything will fall apart.”
- All-or-nothing thinking: “I have to either stay silent or go all in.”
Once you spot these patterns, practice reframing them. For example:
“It’s possible they won’t agree, but that doesn’t mean they’ll reject me.”
- Use Assertive Language
People with low self-esteem often over-apologise or hedge their requests to soften them. Instead of saying, “Sorry to bother you, but could I maybe take tomorrow off?” try:
“I’d like to request tomorrow off — I have something important to take care of.”
Assertiveness also means avoiding aggressive tones like “You never listen to me” and replacing them with “I feel overlooked when I don’t get a chance to speak.”
- Practice “I” Statements
CBT encourages taking ownership of your feelings without blaming others. Use “I” statements to stay grounded:
- ✅ “I feel frustrated when meetings run over time because it impacts my other work.”
- ❌ “You’re always running meetings late.”
“I” statements reduce defensiveness and help you stay respectful while still getting your point across.
- Rehearse Assertiveness in Small Steps
If the idea of being assertive feels overwhelming, practice in less daunting situations:
- Ask for the coffee you ordered when the barista gets it wrong.
- Express a small preference when making weekend plans.
- Say “no” to a minor request when you’re tired.
These are behavioural experiments - trying out new behaviours and seeing what happens. Often, people find the feared outcome doesn’t happen, which helps shift beliefs over time.
- Remember: You Can Be Both Kind and Firm
Assertiveness doesn’t mean abandoning compassion. It is a respectful form of communication to yourself and others.
You’re allowed to take up space.
You’re allowed to set boundaries.
You’re allowed to say no without a long explanation.
When self-esteem is low, you may need to remind yourself often that “My needs matter too.”
Write it down. Put it somewhere you can see it. Practice saying it in the moments that count.
Building assertiveness helps you find your voice, even if it’s been impacted by doubt, fear, or self-criticism. CBT helps you challenge those thoughts and replace them with ones that support you in showing up with clarity and confidence.
Assertiveness is a skill. And like any skill, it gets easier with practice.
If you need help gaining confidence and practicing assertiveness, book in for a free consultation and start your journey to being more assertive.
