When you’re busy “doing life”, it can be easy to be swept away with continuing to “do”.
Doing work, chores, caring responsibilities, responding to friends / family / colleagues. Saying “yes” to all that people ask of you, pushing yourself to keep “doing”.
Striving to take everything on at work, the problem solver, hard working and dependable taking everything on.
But, you can be left with little energy and feeling as though you are being pulled in different directions with no sense of your boundaries anymore.
The Impact Of Not Setting Boundaries
Not being clear on, or not setting boundaries, leaves you with no time left for yourself. You can feel resentful of those around you, especially if you believe time spent on work and chores isn’t fairly distributed.
Emotions can feel strained and overwhelm sets in as you continue to take more on.
Work and home life can be affected, challenging your ability to keep a healthy work / life balance and fracturing your relationships with family, friends and colleagues.
You may have the belief that the only way to be productive, or be seen as being more productive, is to say “yes” to everything that is asked of you.
However the opposite is often true. Being regularly interrupted, feeling pulled in different directions and having competing priorities reduces your focus and concentration. When everything is a priority, how do you choose?
As overwhelm increases and you take on more and more, over-committing yourself, you can step into the awful world of burnout.
Burnout can be incredibly difficult to come back from once you’ve crossed that threshold.
It probably seems obvious, but if you’re not setting boundaries your self care can quickly be neglected as you keep whirling to catch everything and be all things to everyone..
Not setting boundaries can have a profound effect on you, your loved ones and your work.
Where To Start With Setting Boundaries?
Having specific goals enables you to understand exactly what you want to change. To help you set your goals, consider whether there are specific boundaries you want to create at home, at work, with friends.
Are there relationships you want to set boundaries with?
How would your life look if you met your goals?
What is essential for your own wellbeing, what are your needs?
What do you value most in your life?
Knowing what you want to change helps you to focus on those specific areas of your life.
Understanding your unique patterns will enable you to identify those that maintain the difficulties you’re experiencing and stop you achieving your goals.
Often the quickest way for you to recognise these patterns is through feelings.
Feelings - emotional and physical - are usually a response to a thought pattern or belief. For example if you notice you’re feeling overwhelmed, or guilty, or resentful, pause and allow yourself to see what’s going through your mind.
Negative thoughts and beliefs might include believing people will reject you if you don’t do as they ask, leaving you alone.
You might believe you’ll be seen as incompetent and not as good as your colleagues if you set boundaries.
You might believe you are weak or unworthy of your role and position in the workplace if you give yourself uninterruptible time.
How would you ordinarily react in this situation? What do you do? Behaviours can be both external such as saying “yes” and taking more on. Or internal, such as criticising yourself for feeling overwhelmed.
Mapping out your triggers, thoughts/ beliefs, feelings and behaviours bring your cycles and patterns into your awareness so you can challenge and change them.
Importantly the aim isn’t to create positive thoughts, but rather step back and see what might be a more accurate thought or belief.
Self Help With Setting Boundaries
As a step to changing your behaviour, you might experiment with directly expressing your needs.
For example, resisting the urge to say yes to everything even if you don’t have the time or resources to do something. As one client described ‘not trying to be all things to all people’. Asking for more time, for space and being clear on your need to be respected.
You might ask to discuss competing priorities and your current workload so a priority worklist or task focus can be created.
You might practise being assertive. This can be difficult if you haven’t felt able to flex your assertive muscle before! It might take some time to get it right and not be passive, or even aggressive. But keep experimenting as being assertive can help in different areas of your life.
Try talking to others about how something makes you feel and be clear about what you are asking for. Actively listening to their response will start a healthy dialogue around boundary setting.
People won’t always respect your request - maybe they can’t or won’t. Be clear on your actions if they can’t respect your boundaries. For example walking away from a situation.
It is hard work changing long standing patterns. So ensure you engage in good self-care to keep yourself as well as possible to manage any uncomfortable emotions that will likely arise.
As you make these changes to how you identify and set your boundaries, it’s important to review against your original goals. This will help you monitor your progress in your journey to change. It also provides motivation if you feel like giving up. It can be tough making changes. For yourself and those around you if they are used to you doing anything and everything they ask of you!
Reflecting on progress can spur you on when you are struggling. If you aren’t seeing the progress you want, consider working with a therapist. They will work with you to see what barriers or difficulties there are with moving forward.
How CBT Can Help
In addition to self help, talking therapy can further help you to set and establish your boundaries.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is an evidence based talking therapy for treating depression, anxiety and stress. This includes working with individuals to find and set their boundaries.
Your CBT therapist works with you in the here and now to understand your unique cycles that drive you to overcommit and not feel able to set boundaries.
Collaboratively you and your therapist explore your personal boundaries between yourself and others, and your inner beliefs about yourself and the world around you. This includes how you engage with other people and how external triggers impact how you think and feel, and how you see yourself.
As you work on understanding your unique cycles and patterns, you will identify those that maintain the difficulties you’re experiencing and stop you achieving your therapy goals.
Being able to set boundaries that align with your values can be truly life changing. It can take you from stressed, irritable and exhausted to feeling more in control and able to direct your life.
As an experienced and accredited CBT Therapist I can help you find and establish your boundaries transforming your life..
If you want to find out more about working together, please contact me to arrange an initial consultation.
