I’ve heard people describe themselves as perfectionists, particularly in the workplace. When I’ve interviewed people they’ve included being a perfectionist as a strength. But what is perfectionism and can it be a strength?
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the name given to having a set of very high ideals and expectations for yourself, which when they aren’t achieved can leave you feeling worthless, under constant pressure and have a devastating effect on the mood.
You become highly critical of yourself, and feel frustrated and angry at yourself, everyone and everything.
You might have incredibly high standards of others too, focusing on their failures and never their strengths. This can strain relationships and make it difficult to truly connect with others, as they will always fall short of those high expectations.
Having high expectations of yourself and others will likely mean you also believe people have high expectations of you. As you can never meet these all the time, you fear rejection and think you’ll never be good enough for others.
Feeling comfortable with making mistakes and not always getting everything “perfect” is a key component to success. If you fear failing and believe you won’t cope with any threat of failure, it's very likely that you won’t push yourself to achieve the things you want.
You are also likely to experience significant anxiety and low mood when you think you may fail, or perceive yourself as having failed, at something.
Can Perfectionism Help You Succeed?
You might experience a sense of pride at how perfectionist you are.
Maybe it comes out in a very clean and tidy house – at all times.
Maybe it’s in how you look after your body, keeping a note of every calorie or exercise session you do.
Maybe it's in how you work, doing extra hours ensuring you push yourself at every moment to achieve.
The question becomes - at what cost?
When your achievements (associated with your perfectionism) come with a feeling of pride, even if that is short lived, it can be really hard to give up. Unfortunately that pride often comes from an underlying sense of shame, shame at the idea of a messy home, how your body looks, or failing at work.
Perfectionist traits can push you to succeed and do things well. However, the key is the ability to enjoy the success of your achievements.
Issues arise when no matter how well you do, it’s still not good enough for you. No matter how hard you work, or how many hours you do – you still don’t feel good enough. So how do you ever feel good about yourself, and how do you allow yourself to rest and recuperate, which is vital for our health and wellbeing?
What makes the difference between perfectionism that enables you to push forward and that which doesn’t is how we perceive failing and failure.
If you cope with the disappointment and frustration of failing by being harshly critical and attacking yourself, you aren’t going to feel good.
Having perfectionist standards that allow you to do well and learn from mistakes, without negatively impacting your sense of self and our mood, can be helpful.
Having perfectionist standards because you are fearful of failure, rejection and never being good enough is going to negatively impact your beliefs about yourself and others, your mood and ultimately how you behave.
Are You A Perfectionist?
To help consider whether perfectionism affects you, reflect on:
whether you are asking too much of yourself or others?
How do you react to failing at something?
Can you feel upset and disappointed without being self-critical?
Does your perfectionism help you, or is it your worst enemy?
Are you critical of others if they don’t meet your expectations?
What do you believe others think of you if you don’t meet your expected outcomes?
Ask yourself what’s the worst that would happen if something wasn’t perfect?
If you’re not sure – try an experiment. Allow others to see something that isn’t perfect. See how they react, see whether it fundamentally changes who you are. My guess is, it doesn’t. If you find people are critical of you, maybe it’s time to question them rather than yourself?
Perfectionism And CBT
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), an evidence based talking therapy, offers a beacon of hope for those grappling with the shackles of perfectionism.
CBT is grounded in the concept that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are interconnected, and that altering one can influence the others.
For those struggling with perfectionism, CBT focuses on identifying and challenging the beliefs that fuel the need for perfection, such as the fear of making mistakes or the belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
The therapy involves the therapist and client collaboratively working together to understand the unique cycles that trigger, fuel and maintain a level of perfectionism that is causing issues.
Behavioural experiments will likely form part of CBT treatment for perfectionism. These are agreed tasks designed to test out ideas and beliefs about perfectionism and what it might feel like to do things differently. CBT supports perfectionists to appreciate themselves, what they do and feel a sense of satisfaction in their achievements which doesn’t rely on external validation.
Doing things differently and taking a risk in challenging perfectionist thoughts and behaviour can initially increase anxiety, but your CBT therapist works collaboratively with you at each step, going at your pace.
To understand more about how I can help you free yourself from the grip of unhelpful perfectionism, please book in for an initial consultation.
